When the unexpected happens…*TW*

As you read in my previous blog, we got pregnant for the first time in 2021. Garrett was so beyond excited because he was comfortable at his job, we had been married for a year after dating for 5 years and this was the logical next step for him. As for me, I was in the middle of Chiropractic school, student loans piling up, 3 more (expensive) board exams to go, and no prospective job after graduation. For me, this was the complete wrong time and I was nervous that all of my efforts to become a doctor would be for nothing. I had seen other ladies get pregnant and have their babies while in school and it only delayed their graduation by a few trimesters, but I never expected this to be me. Garrett, being my happy go lucky guy, was so reassuring and encouraging. It took about 3 weeks until I finally started to accept what was happening to me to make a new plan of attack. If you know me at all, I am a planner and I stick to it. I do not like to fly by the seat of my pants. That is my husband's specialty. Don’t they say opposites attract? Well I guess we did!

For about 6 weeks of knowing about baby girl or boy, I was able to make my plan of attack for school and the after birth timeline. I had everything planned out in my head, convincing myself that I could totally do this! I wanted to be a doctor, so why couldn’t I be a mom and a doctor? Could it really be that hard? Other women do it too! These were some things I would tell myself to make me feel better about everything. I had found an OB’s office I wanted to work with, I had informed the teachers that needed to know about the pregnancy, and all that was left was to wait for my 8 week ultrasound appointment.

Well, that's when it all happened. 2 days before I went in for my 8 week ultrasound, Garrett had just left for work and I was home alone. I went to the bathroom because I was having some cramping and the worst thing I could have seen was there. I was bleeding. Not just a little bit of spotting, which I knew could be normal this early on. It was like my period times 10. First thing I did was Facetime my mom while I was sitting on the toilet because I needed someone to confirm my suspicions. Bawling my eyes out, she couldn’t understand a word I was saying to her. Finally I turned the camera around to show her the almond shaped thing that just came out of me. She then understood why I was so upset and tried to comfort me. Unfortunately she lives in Florida or she would have been at my house as soon as she could. She calmed me down and told me I needed to call Garrett to let him know what had happened.

So I did just that. I called Garrett at work and had to utter the words, “I lost the baby”..... The amount of guilt and sadness I felt when I had to say those words to my best friend was heart breaking. I felt like a failure. I felt lonely. I felt broken. All I heard back was “I’m on my way home, I’ll see you in 10 minutes”. Just like that he hung up and not a second after 10 minutes goes by he is busting through the bathroom door and picking me up off the floor. Still feeling like a failure as a wife and a woman, I no longer felt alone. I showed him my little almond and he kept telling me it’s okay honey. We can always try again. The thought of trying again right now made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t bear to feel like this again, if it were to happen another time. But that was Garrett for you. He is always so optimistic and positive in tough situations. He is my rock and foundation of our marriage.

Next I had to call my doctor to cancel my 8 week appointment. On the phone I told the nurse I just had a miscarriage and she started to question me. She was asking how heavy I was bleeding and many other questions as well. This was not something I wanted to talk about anymore so I snapped at her. I told her “I am having heavy bleeding. I know I am miscarrying and I need to cancel my appointment.” She continued to tell me they needed to confirm the miscarriage with blood work and do a check up to ensure I didn’t need a D&C. This infuriated me more. I didn’t want to go into an OB’s office where there were a bunch of happy pregnant women. That was not on my wish list for the next couple days, but she said it was necessary for my safety. When Garrett heard that, he said I needed to go too. Reluctantly, I kept my appointment.

A few days later I showed up to the office and I got this pit in my stomach. I did not want to be here. I also told myself I wouldn’t cry in the office either. (I don’t cry in front of people other than my mother and my husband and that's it!) I got to the waiting room, luckily it was pretty empty. I checked in and took a seat. I was doing fine until they had me wait 30 minutes before they called me back. 30 minutes of seeing pictures of pregnant women and babies on the walls, pregnant moms come and go for their ultrasound appointments and the magazines and flyers on the tables. I still hadn’t cried, but I was a lot more shaky than when I first walked in. Finally I got called back and they took me straight to the phlebotomist chair. I was able to hold it together until she stuck me and started talking about the result time. I lost it. Not like little tears rolling down my cheeks. I mean waterfall of tears, snot running out of my nose, hyperventilating kind of lost it. I was bawling like a baby sitting in that chair and all the nurses around me looked at me like I had 3 heads. I snapped again and asked for a box of tissues. I couldn’t understand their confusion. Was I the only woman who has had a miscarriage and cried at her appointment to confirm the miscarriage!? I had had enough. She handed me the paperwork and gave me her spiel about how long results could take and what they could mean. I heard none of it and got out of there as fast as I could. This appointment was almost as bad as having the miscarriage! I never want to go through this again.

Finally I got home and I let myself feel everything. I felt the hurt, the pain, the loss. Everything. I finally let all my walls down and let myself grieve for this baby that I didn’t think I wanted just yet. Turns out, I wanted it really bad. This is one of the toughest things a woman can go through. A miscarriage is like losing a part of your heart and soul, no matter how far along you are. Also, miscarriages are not a competition. No matter if you lost your baby at 8 weeks like I did or 38 weeks. A loss is a loss and it is hard to swallow at any time. I do empathize with women who have had stillbirths or lose their baby in the third trimester. I can’t imagine loving that baby for that long and then not getting to bring them home. My heart is with you and I am here for you. We are strong as women, but it takes a community to get through some of the toughest times. This is my story and I am here to listen to yours whenever you are ready to share it. I support you mama!